Ohhhhhhh Face

My early 20’s were spent in a long term relationship filled with boring sex and lackluster love. When I finally decided that it was time to end that relationship, I entered into a world of bad decisions. It was a fucking glorious time. While most girls my age were getting married and having babies, I was making friends with girls that were juuuuusssst legal enough to drink. The girls and I were partying 4 or 5 nights a week. Honestly, I am not sure how I survived.

Let’s meet hottie waiter…

One night I went out to meet a girlfriend at the end of her shift. While I waited for her, I had a drink at the bar and bullshitted with a few of her coworkers. One guy was super cute so I decided we should invite him along to be the DD for the night. Lucky for me, he didn’t hesitate at my offer. Unlucky for him, he had no idea what he was getting himself into. After a few drinks at the bar we all headed to Drag Queen Bingo. Now, if you have never experienced this amazingness, I suggest you Google and find the closest one to you ASAP. The evening was basically a boozy blur with memories of a blue sparkly dress and bright red lipstick worn by the main Drag Queen. She was graciously handing out jello shots to the crowd during the entire show. When we left I knew I was way to drunk to drive home but I also knew I did not want hottie waiter to sleep over. Given that we were all in my car, I decided that he should drive my friend home and I would crash at his place on the couch. Sure, that is what I said to him and to myself…

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Super decision made by a totally wasted chick. Super decision.

Here is how the remainder of the night went…drunk sex followed by me projectile vomiting all over his bathroom and then passing out in his bed. Yep, I am classy and sexy all rolled into one. Of course the next morning I woke up felling like absolute shit. I apologized and immediately went to clean the remainder of the bathroom. I was actually impressed with how well I had cleaned the bathroom in my drunken state post vomiting. Hottie waiter was not mad at all. He asked me to stay and even wanted to take me to breakfast. Here I am a hot smelly mess wearing the same clothes, smelling like vomit and this guy wants me to hang out. Obviously I passed and headed home for a hot shower and to climb back into bed. He text me later that day to check in on me and to invite me to dinner. A few nights later I went back to his place where he cooked dinner and we watched a movie. For about a month we hung out together, had dinner together and fucked a few more times. He never saw me drunk again. For the life of me, I could not figure out why on Earth did this guy wanted to keep hanging out with me? That first impression could not have been a turn on. I also could not figure out why I was still entertaining this guy. He was super nice and seemed really into me. It was almost that too much, too fast, too clingy type of vibe. The sex was good except his O face was a little intense and after a few times that really started to bother me. It was almost like I was watching him take a flaming hot shit. Imagine if, in one day, you ate fresh jalapenos, spicy chicken wings and flaming hot cheetos…yeah, that grimacing face. I tried to ignore it. I tried to just make sure I was not looking. Problem was that once I had seen it, it could not be unseen. I knew when it was coming (ha) which made it like watching a train wreck. As you can imagine, this made it impossible to actually enjoy sex with him at all. Now what does one say to someone about this situation? It was time to just jump ship.

this-is-my-o-face

I stopped answering his calls. I stopped replying to his texts. I basically ghosted him way before ghosting was a thing. Yeah, it was a cunt move for sure but I had no words to tell the guy why I could not stand having sex with him anymore. Such a shame because he was hot. I later learned that he moved north and became a fireman. Maybe he met someone who was his soulmate. Perhaps she too has an extremely awkward and uncomfortable O face.

cunnilingus

I feel like I should use this word although I have never spoken it aloud, cunnilingus. There you go. Who actually uses this word during the act? “Oh damn baby, I want you to firmly grab my soft thick thighs and slide yourself down to give me that good cunnilingus.” Alright, that is enough use of that word.

The first time I had my cherry flipped I was all of 16 years old and I am pretty sure I had grass on the field. It was the late 90’s so we aren’t talking a giant afro bush here but it was before the dawn of laser hair removal and Brazilians. I had a huge crush on this guy that I had known for a whopping total of 3 weeks. Now in today’s standards that is a long fucking time. Now people meet online, hook up and never see each other again.

At 16 and with limited communication, I knew that I was attracted to this tall, blue eyed cutie. He spoke French and broken English, I spoke English and broken French. Communication was not fluent but definitely flirty. We met as students who were both part of a sister city exchange student program and I was spending part of my summer in the south of France.

There was a group of about 20 high school students staying in a country house for the weekend. For some reason, the adults thought it would be fine to let us all stay there unsupervised. For this, we are forever grateful. It was an amazing weekend of exploration, discovery and experiencing all of our senses together! We drank together, we cooked together, we shared meals together and some shared more together. While I didn’t have sex on this weekend, I was no longer a virgin but I had never experienced the joys of having someone caress my clit with their warm moist tongue. My senses were heightened by the wine, the setting and the way he spoke to me in French without me really knowing what was being said.

I remember him sliding my panties off and wrapping his arms around my thighs as he pulled in closer. I ran my fingers through his thick wavy blond hair as he gently licked and caressed my clit with his tongue. Even with this being my first oral experience, I was relaxed and calm. It may have been the wine. It may have been the altitude. Whatever contributed to my state of zen was much appreciated. Frenchie may not have had many skilled moves, but in the end, this was a positive experience.

As sad as it is to admit this, decades have passed since that once in a lifetime summer and I often reminisce of those carefree days. I would not have changed one thing about that experience. I cherish the memories like it was just last week. Since Frenchie, I have had plenty of fails with oral sex. Some guys are too aggressive, too sloppy or just plain seem confused as to what they should be doing down there. Then there are the few, the proud, the unforgotten who focused and pulled through. To those men, I arch my back, I moan and when I am completely relaxed, I squirt. It doesn’t happen often but when it does, the sensations are indescribable. I am left feeling euphoric, drained and as if my body has been covered in a magical glow of complete satisfaction.

Do I advertise that this is even a possibility? Hell no.  I just secretly hope that the magic will happen.

D-A-D

Road trip to Gainesville for a Gator game. Anytime that I have spent at The Swamp has been a good time! Except maybe this time…

Drive there was smooth with a good balance of music and conversation. Upon arrival, we decide to hop around a few places for some beers and to grab a bite to eat. D-A-D and I are having a pretty good time until he says, “I want to have another child. I think you would make a great mom.”

Hold the fuck up here

Who says that to someone after just a few weeks of hanging out? Who says that to someone when you’re pre-gaming and drinking beer before a college football game? Who says that???

Now we are here, it’s awkward as fuck and I need more beer. All I can do is smile at him and say, “That sure as shit made my ovaries go into hiding. Pretty sure I am all set.”

Drop subject. I am hungry and I need another beer. I ask him to look at the menu and see what he is craving. I mean besides finding a woman who wants to give him another child cause that shit is not even an option. As he is reading over the menu I notice something…he is struggling big time with reading the menu. Immediately I zone in, he is not that drunk yet he is stumbling over everyday words. I am starting to make sense of this and the way that he would text. Since I am not a rude cunt, I don’t say anything to him. We order wings, fries and drink more a few more beers. As we head towards the stadium, I notice a plaque with some info about the University of Florida on it. I nonchalantly ask him to read it to me as I am tying my shoe. He pauses, starts to read it, pauses again and says to me, “I am not the best reader.” I ask him what does he mean by that statement and he explains that he struggles helping his third grader with homework. I am speechless. I feel sad for him. I have no words. We continue walking towards the stadium.

I cheer my fucking face off. GATORS WIN!!!! We walk back to the car; drive home in silence and part ways. I mean, let’s be real, at this point what does one even say?

6 years later I buy a new house. A few weeks after moving in I notice him. He lives two doors down in a rental with his girlfriend. The cops are there often and DFC. It is a sad story. I sure do pick winners to date but at least I don’t keep their sorry asses.

 

Almost Illiterate

The world of dating is interesting to say the least. Meeting someone new, getting to know this person and deciding if pursuing any type of relationship would be worthwhile can be exhausting. The times when things just seem to click and flow are great, the other times often make you want to throw in the towel. In my opinion, more times than not it is far easier to just walk away.

Then of course there are the times when you’re just looking for something easy. A little fun without a real commitment. Which seems to be what I am often looking for these days. Now let’s explore a few summers ago. I was spending a lot of time at a friend’s backyard bar. It was a laid back group of people enjoying games and beers in the heat of summertime. It was here that I met D-A-D. In a group, this guy was quiet most of the time. When I decided to pursue getting to know him better I really did not know what I might be getting myself into. All I knew was that he had a nice body and a cute smile. Since I wasn’t looking for a forever, I didn’t ask our mutual friends for a lot of details or actually any fucking details. As the summer came to an end, I didn’t see him as much and I decided to ask our friends for his phone number.

Let’s stop here for a moment to take note of an important lesson; gather details before initiating or showing any interest.

Alright now that we have covered that, let’s continue. I sent him a text making a joke about the last time that we had seen each other and he quickly replied. He was happy that I had asked for his number and admitted that he was interested in me but was too shy to ask me for my number. We text back and forth a few times over the next few days. His texts were often short, lacking details or enthusiasm. Not a big deal as I realize there are people who are not that into texting.

About a week into chatting, we decided to hang out one on one. He came to pick me up in his truck – clean truck, this is a good sign. We went to a local place to grab a bit to eat. Conversation was good. We talked about his job and his two young kids. He was simple, spoke of his daily life that was fairly routine. At the end of the night he took me home and kissed me good night. Our kiss was passionate, slow and soft as he pulled me closer to him. It was a kiss that left me curious to see him again.

Over the course of the week, D-A-D and I text back a few times. He was busy with work and kids, I was busy with work as well. We decided we would meet up at out friends for the next game and a few beers. Now a few people knew we had been talking so of course we got razzed a bit, all in good fun. We had a great night and ended up heading back to my place. The slow passionate kissing led to sex. The sex was not slow nor was it passionate. I think I blinked and half moaned before it was over.

Blink. Moan. Done. Wait? What? Good thing I had about 5 minutes of free time that evening. Whew. That’s about all I can say about that. It was vanilla as fuck. Does that mean walk? Maybe, sometimes. But at this point, perhaps it was just awkward first time fucking jitters. A combo of us both being tipsy tied in with being intimate with someone new?

A few days later I scored tickets to a Gators game for the following weekend. I knew he was also a fan so I invited him. D-A-D was beyond thrilled as we planned for a road trip to The Swamp. We made plans to drive up early enough to hit some tailgating action, enjoy the game and then head home. Getting a hotel room probably would have been more fun since that would allow more drinking but this was a last minute thing so we were to make the best of it.

Everything happens for a reason, right? Thank fucking goodness we didn’t get a hotel room or plan to sleep over because this trip exposed D-A-D and left me wide eyed and flabbergasted.

What happened at the game? How did it end? Was there one more attempt at sex? Why is his name D-A-D? 6 years later did you happen to move into the house next door to him and his girlfriend?

Ahhhhh, my lovelies…I will answer all these questions on Wednesday.

 

Disappointed Curiosity

You know that feeling when you’re crushing hard on someone? You get butterflies in your tummy when that person is around and your heart seems to skip a little beat. Maybe even a little tingly in your panties imagining being with that person? Innocent flirting that gets your hopes up and makes your mind wonder…

I had just this type of crush on a former co-worker. He was tall, slender and slightly muscular. He towered over me by a good foot and 3 inches. He had dark hair, dark eyes, a goofy smile, a sunset tattoo on his calf and drove a mustang. I didn’t know much else about him but I did know that I was curious. I was curious what it would be like to kiss him, to touch his skin against my skin, to fuck him and be fucked by him. You know what curiosity leads to? Often times it leads to trouble but in this case it led to disappointment.

The night of my 28th birthday was celebrated at a local dive bar. I went out with a handful of girlfriends who were also coworkers of mine. The night started out with dinner and ended up with my drunk ass sitting on the floor of the bar bathroom. Now you know a lot of classy shit had to happen between dinner and a 2 am bar closing.

Let’s attempt to piece together the little bits that I do recall…

Flash back to the days of the Razor. You know, this hot little cell phone with the fun and funky ring tone? Yeah, that gives you an idea of when this shit went down. I remember being at the bar texting Tower to invite him out. At this point I wasn’t drunk but I was feeling the whiskey deep within my soul. I remember him showing up, wishing me a happy birthday and possibly dancing with me. Dancing…that part is fuzzy but what I do remember VERY CLEARLY is being on the dance floor and pinning him against a wall to tell him something very important. Very important to a whiskey drinking 28 year old with a crush; what ever could this important news be?

“It is my birthday and all I want is to fuck you. You’re coming back to my house tonight to fuck.”

There you have it ladies and gentleman, all I needed to tell him was what I had wished for when I blew out my birthday candles. No red bow or gift wrapping needed.

Now what happened next? That is a great question.

At some point I decided I needed to be in the restroom. I must have known that I should to be in close proximity to a toilet. What better place to sit my ass down and sober up than the floor of a dive bar bathroom.  Luckily my girlfriends were not as drunk as I was or they held their shit together better than I did. Eventually they came looking for my ass and brought me some water. I was told that I stayed in that bathroom for almost an hour. I kept drinking water while telling them that Tower was coming to my house for birthday sex. I am sure that in my condition they just went along with my rambling until I was able to peel myself off the floor and head home.

Eventually I did just that. I peeled myself off that bathroom floor, we all piled into my girls convertible and headed home. I remember dropping a few people off and stumbling into my house to find Tower! Now it gets super sexy and romantic. Drunk ass birthday girl and a whiskey dick tall guy attempting to fuck. I woke up the next day in fetal position, so fucking hungover and miserable. I rolled over and saw him; Tower was asleep in my bed! I freaked the fuck out while going through my drunk texts from the night before. I quickly text a friend of mine to tell her he was in my bed. She was able to fill me in on some of the classy details from the evening. Tower woke up and we had a good laugh while trying to piece together the details from the night before. He stayed for hours just laying in bed cuddling. We were both so miserably hungover that moving or getting out of bed was not an option. Eventually we parted ways. We saw each other at work a few days later and exchanged a smile. Seeing him was not awkward and my crush slowly dissipated. Many months later we ran into each other at a club. He walked me to my car, leaned in for a kiss and asked if we could try again. On this night, I had hardly drank and here he was holding onto my car for balance. I smiled at him, kissed his cheek and said, “I had such a crush on you. We tried once and had a drunken whiskey failure. Let’s just leave it at that.”

It would be a lie if I said I wasn’t still a little curious. If only we hadn’t been so damn drunk.

ABC Relationships

The Jackson 5 sang a catchy little tune about learning and love. It was upbeat, happy and talked of easy love. An ABC relationship is just the opposite of the love that the Jackson 5 sang about. An ABC relationship is some mind boggling fucked up shit and I am sure that many of you know someone who is in one, or maybe you are in an ABC relationship.

So what the hell is an ABC relationship? It’s a perfect analogy that I’ve concocted in my awesome little brain to describe what I see many people putting themselves through. Sit back, use your imagination and picture this…

Already Been Chewed gum. Yep, gum.

Bubble Yum, Zebra Stripes, Big Chew, Bazooka, Juicy Fruit, Red Hot Gum.

How the hell does this fit together? Imagine popping a fresh piece of gum into your mouth. It is full of flavor; your taste buds light up and your mouth waters as you begin chomping away at this sweet firm stick of gum. After a while, the gum looses it flavor and it looses its texture. Now your chewing a bland piece of rubber. Sometimes you readily spit the gum out and think nothing of it. Yet other times you keep on chewing that same piece of flavorless gum. But have you ever spit that gum out onto the sidewalk only to return to find it weeks later? Scraping it off the ground to put it back into your mouth? Hoping that maybe the gum has changed? Gone back to when you first experienced its flavor and firmness weeks or months ago?

Hell to the fuck no you don’t! Or do you? That is exactly what is happening with people who are in an on and off relationship. They date, they are soooo “in love”, they break up. They delete each other from social media, they talk mad smack about each other and a few weeks go by…next thing you know, these fools are back in love.

What in the ever loving fuck? How can this be healthy? Why would you do this repeatedly to yourself? Being alone and being single is way healthier than putting yourself through the emotional roller coaster of an ABC relationship. Begin alone doesn’t mean that you are lonely. It isn’t a bad thing to be comfortable with yourself, to learn to be happy without having someone always there. It is healthier than repeating bullshit with someone because you are codependent and afraid to be alone.

Here is an idea. Stop chewing gum you already spit out! That shit is not going to change. It is not going to have the same flavor, the same texture that it did when you first popped it into your watery mouth. Now that gum is old news. It has lost its appeal.

Instead, learn to go without gum for a little bit. Learn to love yourself. Learn to hang out alone or with friends. Learn to do this so that you don’t continue to repeat bullshit patterns and will hopefully have a healthier relationship with a gum whose flavor is everlasting. Is it easy? Probably not.

Obviously this is just my opinion. My opinion as a single girl who has never personally been in an ABC relationship but has witnessed plenty of friends repeat this bullshit. It is mind boggling and so confusing especially if their are kids involved. Think about the example that you’re setting for your children. Stop the nonsense. Your gum looses its flavor, get rid of it and keep on walking. Oh and don’t text your friends asking for advice. It is annoying to listen to your same lame ass drama every few weeks. Mmmmmk, thanks.

The Fall of Trojan

I know you are all wondering what happened with Trojan. How did it end? Did you ever have sex again? Did he ever pick up the tab? Did you give him a coupon for the next time he needed a baby blue shirt?

Let me put your wondering minds at ease and tell you the final tale of Trojan. There was no more sex; which wasn’t much of a disappointment at this point. He never picked up a tab when we went out, although I treated him to coffee twice. Let me just tell you that the two times we went to a Starbucks, this guy ordered a “Pink Drink” which he pronounced “Pink Drank” and then an “Iced White Chocolate Mocha”. I am pretty sure I don’t have to say much more about that…#basicwhitebitch. And considering his Starbucks orders were so fucking fancy, I saved the coupon for my damn self.

The last time that I saw Trojan was a week after our fancy dinner date at the local sports bar/restaurant. I was out for the night with a few girlfriends and Trojan happened to be at the same place. He text me to ask if I was there and to let me know that he was at the outside bar. I replied telling him I was on the dance floor with my girlfriends and I would come say hi before I was going to leave. About an hour later he text again and I assured him that I would see him before I headed home. When I finally headed to the outside bar, I found a very drunk Trojan hanging out with a few friends. Two of the people in the group I had not yet met. One girl was giving me some wicked stank eye. I introduced myself to her and shook her hand. She returned to her boyfriend but continued to give me some dirty glances. I asked Trojan if these girls were friends of his ex-girlfriend…BINGO! I just smiled at the girls. The other person was a guy who Trojan was very excited to introduce me to. During the introduction, Trojan had his arm around me with his hand cupping my ass check. He very happily introduced me to his friend. Now this guy was a character, he was about 5’6 had a bit of a beer belly and was wearing jeans with a t-shirt tucked him. He also was sporting a baseball cap, a goatee and a tongue ring. He was clean cut and probably in his early to mid 40s. If he was younger, I feel super bad for him.

Now let’s get to this super classy introduction. Just after telling his friend my name, Trojan asks him to guess how old I am. The guy looks like a fucking deer in headlights as he just stares at me afraid to speak. I laugh and assure him that while Trojan might look older than me, I am actually 9 years older than Trojan. Trojan smiles and follows up with, “I fucked her and she is great in bed. You should get her number.”

What in the actual fuck?

This dude is shocked, he replies, “I am sorry that happened to you.” I smile and respond with, “We all make mistakes and Trojan was one of those mistakes. No harm done.”

At that very moment, Trojan checks his phone and loudly announces that his ex-girlfriend is coming to hangout with everyone. This is my cue to exit stage right. I mean, I could have stayed to introduce myself to the ex. We could have talked about how much Trojan enjoyed talking about his dick and how great I am in bed. Truth is, I need my beauty sleep more than I need drama.

Pass, next please.