Tonight we are taking a detour from the amazing night out with Trojan. Don’t worry, we still have a whole night of adventures left with that gem.
As you might recall, Trojan and I were preparing to leave the local sports bar/restaurant to head to a dive bar for the rest of the evening. As I was finishing my last beer, I noticed a guy sitting in a booth behind us. This dude looked so familiar yet I just couldn’t place him. He was clearly out with a girlfriend but he noticed me and we had caught each others eye a few times. I watched him leave the table and head towards the restrooms so of course I followed. As I stood outside the men’s room waiting for him, it dawned on me that I had briefly dated this guy 6 years ago. In that time he had lost a good amount of hair and what he had left was now salt and pepper. I, on the other hand, have been blessed with genes that appear to only improve with age. Fuck, let’s be real, I definitely scored with the good aging genetic but a good few grand helped me perk things up a bit too.
Annnnyyyyywayyyyy, as soon as he steps out of the restroom he says to me, “I know you from somewhere…” Lucky for me, I lack any filter and get right to the point. I smile, and respond, “Six years ago, we briefly dated and you took me to a swingers bar. We fucked a few times too.” Wide eyed he smiles and says, “Yep, that’s it!” I smile back and immediately turn to walk away as I say, “It was great seeing you.”
Let’s travel back six years…
A friend of mine introduces me to her friend of many years. He is a divorced dad that coaches little league and works as a facilitator for the Red Cross. We text back and forth a bit and decide to meet up for dinner. Initially I am not super attracted to him. He is good looking, just appears older than he is and was sporting a dad bod. As I spend the evening with him, we have great conversation and he is a funny mutherfucker. All in all we end up having a great night of dinner and drinks followed by an amazing good night kiss and plans to meet up again soon. Mr. Dad Bod and I hung out again a few nights later. He invited me to his place where he cooked us dinner. Again the conversation flowed easily and we enjoyed a lot of laughs. The evening ended with me being pleasantly surprised in the sack. Never a bad way to end an awesome night.
Now let’s fast forward a few weeks. Mr. Dad Bod invites me to a club where he is going to be the DJ for the night. I had no idea Mr. Dad Bod was a DJ! A little shocked, I ask him how long he has been a DJ at clubs. He basically tells me that this is just a gig he is doing for a friend. Him and I will hang out in the DJ booth, I will be able to drink for free and mingle throughout the night. I am kinda excited to see him in this role plus free drinks! I mean, not excited like “happy/pumped up/ready to party” but more excited like “this dude doesn’t look like he can pull this shit off”.
He picks me up and we head to the club which is over an hour away. We arrive 2 hours before the club opens. 3 hours already invested into this date. It is going to be a long ass night. Mr. Dad Bod starts to set up for the night and I get my first drink. He literally sets up an iPod. An old school era 2000 iPod. Done. He is the DJ. I am going to need another drink and a fuckin miracle to keep my comments to myself right now.
A FUCKING IPOD PLUGGED INTO SOME SPEAKERS. We got here 2 hours early for that.
Eventually some people start to trickle in but really the place is dead for the first few hours. There is no dancing, the DJ is really hard at work and these SoCo drinks are going down smooth. At some point I notice a large group of people coming into the door. It almost is like a bus came and dropped off a shit ton of people. It doesn’t take long for me to realize that this is the most eclectic group of people coming through the door. 1/10 are actually dressed like they give a fuck. Most are just in shorts and a t-shirt. At least 50% of them appear to be in their early 40s. About 37.25% of them could have appeared on People of WalMart. I am pretty sure I was sober enough to actually do the math accurately here.
As I am ordering yet another drink from the bar, I am getting a super weird vibe from a middle aged woman that has sat down next to me. I turn towards her and smile as she says to me, “You’re very pretty, my husband would like to orally please you while I watch.” WAIT. WHAT? No fucking way I heard that correctly. I lean in and say to her, “I am sorry, the iPod is kinda loud. What did you say?” She gestures over to a redneck looking Santa of a man who smiles and waves at me. Again she says, “My husband would love to pleasure you orally while I watch.” As fucking quickly as is humanly possible, I get up and walk away with complete shock and fucking fear in my eyes. I head over to Mr. Dad Bod to tell him what just happened. He gets the biggest kick out of it and teases me about this super awkward situation. He doesn’t seem the least bit shocked.
I decide to stay close to the DJ booth and keep an eye on the iPod. Never can be to careful you know. As I sip my drink, I notice that people keep walking towards the restrooms. Slowly, more and more people seem to be disappearing back there and not really coming back out. I figure there must be another bar in the back area. At some point a young brunette with librarian glasses approaches me to request a song. Lucky for her, I know how to work an iPod. After I cue her song, she asks me if I want to dance. Well, shit, why the fuck not? Nobody else is dancing, maybe her and I can get the party started. We head out to the dance floor and are having a great time. After a few songs we decide to get a drink. Now the night gets fuzzy…here is what I do know. The librarian kisses me and I am okay with it. Then she asks me if I want to go to the back of the club. As we head to what I think is going to be just another bar area, we turn a corner and enter a LARGE room filled with sectionals. The sectionals are filled with naked people.
Naked people fucking. They are in every position that the imagination can come up with. 1 on 1. Threesomes. Foursomes. You name it. I am frozen in shock. Part of me wants to turn and walk away. Is this really what I am seeing? I must be fucking sheltered because I have been to a lot of clubs, even sat in VIP areas…but I have never been in a room filled with dozens of eclectic folk just going at it all at once. I look around the room and notice there are coffee tables with bowls of condoms, wipes, various lubes, towels…all organized and well stocked. Here is where things get a little fuzzy. I am sure in part to the many Southern Comforts I had drank and in part to being in shock. The librarian assures me that I don’t have to stay but that if I do, it will be fine. Mr. Dad Bod appears from nowhere and takes my hand. My inhibitions fade as we cuddle up on a love seat in the fuck room. The librarian is gentle, sweet and comforting to me.
I leave the fuck room satisfied. I also leave the fuck room knowing that this will be the last date I go on with Mr. Dad Bod the swinger. Try everything once right? Check it off your bucket errrr fuckit list, right? It was an experience to say the least. It just isn’t the lifestyle I am looking to entertain further.
Most of the drive home is silent. I am drunk, one of my heels is broken, I left my panties behind, and I really question why Mr. Dad Bod didn’t give me any heads up before. He drops me off at home and I thank him for making sure I got home safely. We end up hanging out once more.
Truth be told, I am glad I ran into him the night I was out with Trojan. I am also glad he was with someone because chances are that if he was alone, I would have tried to go home with him. Mr. Dad Bod repeat? Yeah, I woulda done that. I am still pissed about my heel breaking.